Even Good Relationships Need Tweaking
It does not matter
how good, sweet, and loving your relationship is with your spouse today. Why not? Because it still requires some type of serious intervention from time to time. That communication or action enables the beauty in your marriage to be experienced each day like the glow of sunrise through the dark clouds early in the morning. Have you ever heard someone say that they have the perfect husband or perfect wife? Their spouse just couldn’t be any better. For their sake, I hope that is the absolute truth. It probably is if they live in a fantasy world where they are the only stars. Of course, we know that is not the case on planet earth. Right? Let me say, however, if you do have the perfect husband or perfect wife, congratulations! Now please send some how-to tips on this page for others whose spouses are not so perfect. Just living on planet earth and existing with other human beings, can be an imperfect experience itself. After all, on this earth, we are still imperfect people striving to improve the areas we know or have been told are imperfect. Of course, you may be one of those perfect people, too. If so, I would like to get to know you better, because I sure cannot make that claim. I am still growing, and discovering areas of my life that either need tweaking, or pure discard. Why? I just happen to be one of those imperfect humans striving for perfection, with God’s help and others. I know that for me and you, too, it is a lifetime journey filled with trial and error, successes and failures, frowns and smiles, pain and gain. Whether the relationship is old or new, marriage, or just among family and friends, at times, like cars, that relationship needs committed extra attention. I learned, to my amazement, when I bought a new car years ago that it was not perfect. In my opinion, every new car should come from the factory as a perfect vehicle with no imperfections under the hood or on the body. However, if you have ever purchased a brand new car, you probably found out that it was not perfect from the day you got the keys. There may have been a recall on some part of your vehicle; you may have had to get some new car underbody finishing; you may have needed certain adjustments to enable the car to be like perfect, or maybe you were the unfortunate one to get a car with something shaking, ticking, or groaning that even the dealer was puzzled. Some new cars have even had to go back to the manufacturer for correction. When we humans are involved in designing and redesigning cars and stuff, too often our imperfections show up in the work we do. Although mechanical robots are taking over a lot of work people once did in factories, there is still a great need for people knowledge in many manufacturing areas. Somebody has got to program and re-program even robots, wire them, fix them, and flip the right switches for them to operate. So regardless of how perfect things seem, there is often something that needs adjusting somewhere. We can apply this to marriage and other relationships. There is something that could use a little tweaking even when all may seem well. Of course we know that humans cannot be fixed by just hitting a switch. Oh if we could! Imagine if we could flip off the bad attitude switch in children and spouses. How about a button that you could press and select your feelings like ‘Focus on me.’ ‘Listen to me only when I talk,.’ Try to understand and put yourself in my shoes.’ For those that have struggle expressing emotions at time, how about a button with ‘Honey, I need you. Baby,I love you. I’m hot for you. I appreciate you so much. You make me angry at times, but I don’t know what I would do without you. and I don’t intend to try it.’ You can probably think of some other buttons you would include too, like love me and be true. What a world we would have. Punch a button and the children go to bed on time all the time without jumping up and down for water, bladder overflow, or something. Hey, I remember the toddler days, and now I am raising teenagers again to help out. My baby girl is now 31. So, yes, a button at times might be nice for a bunch of reasons. Ha! Ha! Well, since we can’t mechanize humans, we need to find ways to get better results quicker from us humans. Husbands and wives can often become alienated from each other because of poor hearing of what was said. Sometimes people miss the real words a person said, and they react in their minds and outward too based on what they thought they heard. Because of pride, they refuse to ask them what they said again. They choose to believe what they think they heard. Have you ever played the whisper something game to one person. They tell another person what you said until it reaches the end. What the last person repeats is so different than it started out. One word can make a difference in what you thought you heard and what was actually said. Have you ever been listening to someone read and you were reading along from your book and they left one word out like ‘not’, for example? It changed the whole meaning of the sentence, didn’t it? Well, when you think you heard someone and you miss one word, your interpretation can be very wrong. That is why it is important to ask your spouse or anyone to please repeat what they said, because you are uncertain if you heard them correctly, and you don’t want to assume. Of course, if you ask that in the wrong attitude, you may receive a negative response just because they think you are being sarcastic. When there is tension in the conversation, and the words you heard were not clear, that can complicate the situation. I have heard couples arguing and one of them ask for the statement made to be repeated, because they genuinely didn’t hear or weren’t sure they heard their spouse or the person speaking correctly. The response they got to their question was something like, “Oh yeah, you heard me alright!!! Talking about you didn’t hear me clearly!!!! What’s wrong, you can’t hear now???” From those comments, began a fiery argument with the other person responding with a huge attitude too, “Well, I was just trying to understand what you really said!!!” To which the response came with a poorer attitude. “Just forget it!!! You don’t really want to know anyway!!!” Hot tempers and pride. Have you ever been there or know of situations similarly? As long as two people are battling back and forth, and neither will humble down enough to have a decent conversation, there is no rash communication possible. This can happen in any relationship where people fail to talk sensibly about the things that bother them. They tend to wait until they can’t take it anymore. They are about to explode before they try to discuss the turmoil inside of them that they, of course, feel you are all or partly to blame for it. That house is a house of fire. When people really don’t believe and trust each other,scenes similar to the one I described or worse can happen very often. It continues to get worse until one or the other calls it quits. With friendship, they lose their mutual friendship and no longer care to associate with each other. With husband and wife, separation and divorce may follow. This does not have to happen. Take a look now into your heart and into your marriage. Determine if you are harboring any unspoken feelings of hurt, anger, disgust, distrust or any feelings that if allowed to fester inside of you may come out in an explosive manner unexpected someday. Think about how you and your spouse or a friend respond to each other. Are the answers said with an undertone or annoyed feeling? When either of you try to mention concerns about the other, does it turn into a blaming match? Words such as, “You got some nerve talking about my temper or my not paying you any attention,” etc. The response is one of pointing out the other person’s faults, too, but not in a constructive tone or manner but harshly. If this sounds like one of your relationships whether marriage, family or friend, remember the old saying, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” For the couples who say they have never argued or had a disagreeable word, should I say congratulations, Lord bless you, or Lord help you? I am not saying that it is impossible to be married 20 or 40 years and never had a cross word, argument or a disagreement as some say. But what I am going to say is that it is next to impossible, and most unlikely for two human beings to exist as a couple under the same roof, and always, always see things alike, eye to eye in everything. No! No! No!! We real people just don’t function realistically that way. What generally happens in relationships that boast no arguing ever, no disagreements or cross words, or even that they have a perfect marriage is that they may have a little dementia or forgetfulness, or that one of them has probably bit their tongue so much to be quiet, that if it was put under an x-ray machine, it would probably be red and raw from so much bitting. They have hushed up and just consented to whatever was said. Rather than voice their real feelings, they learned early in the relationship to just not to disagree. It seemed easier. After all, rarely would they get their choice, so they just consented to their spouse’s wishes whatever they were. It did not mean they were happy, but it gave their spouse what they wanted, and it made them feel happy to please them; however, inside was getting more restless. If this person continues to consent no matter what, even though inside they disagree, down the road there could be a shaking in this so-called perfect marriage. The spouse that gets their way all the time just because the other spouse doesn’t want to deal with the hassles that come with communicating one’s disagreement may get a rude awakening one day. Too often, the so-called perfect marriage wakes up to a packed suitcase saying, “I’m leaving. I don’t want to be married anymore.” Note might even say, “I think you will do better by yourself, so, I am leaving you. I will help you until you get on your feet.” Too many times that is the note men leave their wives or some other dumb words like, “I still love you, but we have outgrown each other. Even wives are guilty of doing such a heartless thing as leaving a note or insulting their spouse and then shouting, “I’m leaving you!!!! I’m tired of your mess!!!!!” “What mess? What are you talking about?” is probably the response. Wow, what pain these kind of decisions bring, especially when the other person thinks things are okay. Why does this happen? The unhappy spouse or person refused to communicate their true feelings about issues, until they became overwhelmed in a so-called beautiful marriage they had created through silence or limited comments. I hear men say, “No need to say anything. I just let her do what she wants to do. She won’t listen to me anyway.” So sad when a man or woman chooses to give up on the person they married and was so in love with. The spouse that gets dumped is in shock because all the time they thought they had the best or even perfect marriage, even the greatest spouse anyone could ever have. Painfully when they are left behind to try to get their head back on and try to understand what just happened, they are devastated, confused and sometimes end up in deep depression,. Why? They had no idea that they were being deceived by the one they loved so much, and who told them that they loved them. How could this happen to them in their wonderful relationship? Situations like this can be avoided years down the road when two people choose to communicate effectively with sincerity, love, respect, coolheads not hotheads, empathetic; sympathetic when needed, considerate and not judgmental of the other person’s feelings or opinions; open to disagreement without being disagreeable, willingness to compromise and change, and two other key factors being kind everyday to each other remembering that your spouse has feelings just as you have feelings. Remember to give out only what you want back. It is true that too many times we are reaping what we have sown. Sow good in your relationship always, not spitefulness, or treatment you wouldn’t give to a dog. Shame to say that some people treat their dog better than they do their spouse. They smile at their dog everyday. They give undivided attention to their dog. They play with their dog. They encourage their dog. They communicate well with their dog as they talk to them. They rub and pet their dog lovingly. Some even kiss their dog. Their dog always feel loved, valued and needed. They protect their dog, and supply whatever they need. They are that dog’s best friend, and the dog knows it can count on their best friend, and the best friend human knows they can count on their best friend, the pet dog or maybe cat. But too many spouses get less treatment than I have just named for a pet animal. I wouldn’t like to believe that fits anyone reading this; however, if it does, and you are guilty of not being the best spouse you could be, I believe you know what to do.
CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECOME A BETTER SPOUSE!!!!!
TREAT YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE WITH THE LOVING ATTITUDE AND KINDNESS THAT YOU WOULD ENJOY IN RETURN, BETTER THAN A PET DOG OR CAT. YES, IT MAY REQUIRE SOME ADJUSTING, BECAUSE BAD HABITS CAN BE DIFFICULT TO BREAK, BUT THE REWARDS CAN BE WELL WORTH IT. GOOD HABITS CONSISTENTLY CAN ALSO BE DIFFICULT TO BREAK, SO, GO FOR IT!!! CREATE THOSE GOOD HABITS AND DO THEM CONSISTENTLY. YOU CAN DO IT WITH GOD’S HELP.
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Watch also for our new websites, blogs, poetry, video, and articles on relationships, communication in various ways, blended families, making and spending money, a healthy mind, spirit, body, and other subjects that will be linked to this site to help you become better physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially.
This site is intended to help your whole person. May God Bless You and Your Family. By Gwendolyn M. Maultsby
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Watch for Gwendolyn Maultsby’s upcoming book, titled”Loving My Spouse From A-Z”. It is a very intriguing and down to earth book. It can help relationships like marriages, engaged, single but wanting to prepare for marriage someday, separated and considering divorce, counseling, group or individual study or just interesting reading for anyone. There is also a separate workbook that really enhances the book and your experience with charts, exercises and helpful do’s and don’ts. LOOK FOR IT’S DEBUT ANNOUNCEMENT ON THIS WEBSITE.
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